Creating Balance: Key to Positive Mental Health

The National Alliance on Mental Health reports that maintaining balance in our daily lives is a cornerstone of our overall well-being. Balance prevents stress, which has a huge and negative impact on our mental health. De-stressing your life can reduce the possibility of contracting some of the major chronic health issues. It’s important to note that balance is different for each person; so, there isn’t a formula for achieving it. To that end, you should have an arsenal of strategies to use that help you create the balance you seek in your life. Below, are some suggested strategies for creating balance in your life.

Create a routine :: Perceived lack of time is a large contributor to stress. Creating a routine that is aligned with your goals can decrease stressful time-related situations. The following information and worksheets will help you create goals and offer you powerful tools to help you manage your time effectively and efficiently.

• Goal-Setting Worksheet

• 80/20 Rule for Time Management

  • Determine your passion :: What do you like doing? If you could have any job in the world, what would you do? How does your passion improve the health and happiness of others?

  • Find your 20 percent :: Make a list of all the activities in your daily life. Categorize each one either as a 20 percent task or an 80 percent task. Certain activities may shift in importance over time, but the 80/20 rule is only effective if you are honest about the priority of a task at the present moment.

    • Twenty percent tasks are high-leverage tasks that are most valuable, produce the greatest momentum toward your goal and provide the greatest return on investment; only you can complete these tasks.

    • Eighty percent tasks have a false sense of urgency or aren’t pushing you closer to your goal; these tasks can be delegated to others.

      1. Example :: If your dream is to run your own juice bar, your daily activity list might include ::

         • 20 percent tasks :: experiment with recipes, secure investors (things only you can do)

         • 80 percent tasks :: buy groceries, do laundry, design website, post on social media (things others can do)

  • Focus :: Now that you are clear on your 20 percent of tasks pushing you toward your goals, take action on these tasks each day. For example, you might experience with one new juice recipe each day and plan to spend 30 minutes a day calling one potential investor instead of scrolling social media.

  By focusing your energy on the things that can yield the most results, you will begin to experience momentum toward your goals.

• Time-Management Awareness

• Big Rocks

Creating boundaries :: It is important to honor yourself at all times. One way to do this is by creating boundaries. You can use this Instagram post as a starting point for developing the words to support the boundaries you would like to create. Be sure to follow Nedra Glover on Instagram. She will make a great addition to your newly curated IG feed.

Counting to 10 or 100

Live in the present moment :: Many times our worries are related to what MAY happen. Live in the present moment and don’t worry about what MAY happen. Plan and prepare for it, but don’t worry about it.

Reciting affirmations :: Words have power. When you speak positive words and affirm yourself you will experience happy times. Positive affirmations can change your mood - immediately. They can also help you manifest the life you want. Create a list of positive affirmations and use them to help you navigate stressful moments. For example, if you are stressed about your finances you can say ::

• I have all the resources to meet my needs.

• I lack nothing.

• I am resourceful and powerful. I will attract what I need to sustain and survive.

• I’m a paper chaser. I got the block on fire. I will remain a G until the moment I expire. I know how to make something out of nothing. I handle my business. (Inspired by Ha by Juvenile) ***

• I will win. It’s my winning season. (Inspired by You Will Win by Jakaylan Carr) ***

• I’m a master lemonade maker. No matter what life hands me I made the best lemonade ever! Grab a glass! (Inspired by Lemonade by Beyoncè) ***

• I won’t let Satan win aka Not today Satan. (Inspired by black mommas everywhere) ***

*** TAKEN FROM I AM ENOUGH :: 50 AFFIRMATIONS FOR BLACK WOMEN. ORDER HERE.

Closure Is Something You Give To Yourself

It is often said that closure is a myth. That’s partly true. If you are seeking closure through someone else … then … yeah … sis … you won’t get it. If you are looking deep within to get closure; well, you are on the right track.

Closure is only something you can give yourself. Dr. Abigail Brenner gives five ways to give yourself closure:

1. Take full responsibility for yourself.
It's ultimately up to you to take the necessary actions to help move you forward. Have conversations with yourself, both asking and answering your own questions in a form of a "self-dialogue."

• What or whom are you holding onto? Why?

• Does holding on truly make you happy, or are you hanging on to a situation the way it once was, or the way you wished it had been, instead of how it actually turned out?

• Are you using this "holding on" as an excuse to stay stuck and unresolved? In other words, is dwelling in the past taking you away from moving toward your future?

• Are you trying to avoid dealing with loss and the void that loss creates?

• If you're willing to let go, what does that really mean? What will you have to do?

• Are you afraid of not knowing what the outcome will be?

• Ultimately, what do you believe will happen to you if you let go?

Being as honest as you can be will pay off in the long run. The pain, hurt, anger, and disappointment will diminish once you've cleared the way to a better, more realistic understanding of the situation.

2. Grieve the loss.
Take plenty of time to do this. There is no set amount of time and no prescribed way; it's totally up to each person to find that for themselves. Don't let anyone tell you to "just get over it." However, grieving should not go on for years. That's just being stuck, still heavily invested in the past.

Prolonged or incomplete grief may contribute to making poor choices in the future. The ability to trust, to be honest, and to be yourself is essential for a new, healthier relationship or situation to present itself to you. "Unfinished business" must be completed and resolved before you move on.

3. Gather your strengths.

• Focus on the positives. Make a list of your talents, gifts, and assets.

• Surround yourself with people who know you well, encourage and support you.

• Shift the emphasis to what you need, what makes you happy. Don't worry about pleasing others.

• Assess where you can make positive change in your life.

• Define and affirm what you're able to do something about now.

4. Make a plan for the immediate future.
Determine what's most important for you moving forward. If necessary, reorder your priorities to allow you to explore different possibilities and opportunities that may present themselves to you. Try some of these on for size. It doesn't matter if they don't work out, just that you tried. The important thing is to take action in order to make things happen. If you can't find a path, make one!

5. Create a ritual.
Believe it or not, performing a ritual is a powerful tool to help gain closure. Beyond thinking and talking, and thinking and talking some more, ritual is driven by intention and action. A "symbolic enactment" allows you to utilize your creativity and intuition in order to bypass the intellectual, logical part of your brain.

For example, when a relationship is over, what do you do with all of the meaningful items and objects, such as letters, pictures, etc., that were part of the relationship? A "fire ceremony" is a way to consume the past, but any number of rituals that you personally create can provide symbolic finality and closure.

Weaknesses As Strengths

When is the last time you leaned into your weaknesses? Most times we ignore them and try to deny them because it doesn’t feel good to know you aren’t good at that thing; but, we shouldn’t do that.

Leaning into our weaknesses means we take a deep look at what we don’t do well, where we need to improve and determine the best way to address the issue. By examining where we can improve, we can reduce our stress. Focusing on weaknesses can help us reduce stress by allowing us to have a plan of action when we are required to operate in our weakness. The Stanford Rethinking Stress toolkit, our stress if often caused by misalignment of our personal values and goals.

For example, if you want to do well at being a mother, but you have a tendency to get easily frustrated, this is a weakness for you in the area of parenting. Leaning into the weakness by asking questions can help you uncover the source of your frustration and help you develop a plan to address it. There are several steps you should take to lean into your weakness ::

• Step 1 :: Recognition

• Step 2 :: Self-evaluation

• Step 3 :: Plan

Using this example, leaning into the weakness would go a little something like this ::

Step 1 :: Recognition

• While fussing at your child you realize that this is a common problem.

• You acknowledge and don’t try to resist the fact that this is a reoccurring issue.

Step 2 :: Self-evaluation

• You make an intentional decision to note how you are feeling at the moment - outside of whatever your child did to upset you, asking yourself ::

  • Was the punishment (fussing) equal to the infraction (their behavior)?

    • If so, why?

      • Did you explain how not to do said thing to the child?

      • Is there a better way to reach the child that leaves you both with your dignity and respect?

      • Is there something that could be a larger issue with your child?

    • If not, what else could cause you to be short with your child consistently?

      • Is it stress at work?

      • Are you unhappy with your relationship?

      • Do you have deep-rooted issues with the parent-child relationship?

Step 3 :: Plan

Based on your responses to the questions, you need to determine what the actual weakness is and then a plan of action moving forward.

Using our example and example questions, you might uncover that your child doesn’t understand the WHY behind what you ask them to do. Since they don’t understand, they don’t do the task the way you want it done - or at all. The weakness here could be that you aren’t effectively communicating with your child.

With that understanding, you can now develop a plan that will help you better communicate with your child. One way to address the weakness is to show them and train them before asking them to complete new tasks, making sure to explain THE WHY and THE HOW as you are training them. Using this new strategy for all situations like this would help improve communication and reduce fussing, improving your stress.

You’re not done though. After fixing the issue with your child, you should consider ::

• How else this weakness shows up.

• What’s the behavior associated with the weakness in different situations?

• How can you develop a plan to address it in those situations?

SN:: I know you are like … gurl … Black mommas don’t care about them not understanding the why … that’s not today’s topic of discussion … but it is something we should discuss at some point … because traditional parenting styles by Black families are rooted in slavery, perpetuate colonialism and are toxic.

What Are You Telling People About You?

We teach people how to treat us by what we allow, what we stop and what we reinforce.

So, when they hurt us, it is our responsibility to teach them how to treat us. Our response to their infraction tells them what we will accept and how much we value ourselves.

It is important that when you speak up for yourself, you don’t use victim vocabulary. Victim vocabulary will only encourage them to continue their poor behavior toward you and give them permission to invite other people to do the same. You want to stand in control of your circumstances, never giving your power away to someone else. What does this look like?

It looks like you being honest with yourself, practicing mindfulness, accepting personal responsibility, evaluating your trauma, and not complaining, but seeking solutions. You want to maintain in control of your life and the outcomes.

Example: Josh has a 32 in math. He’s asked his teacher for assistance over and over and she doesn’t help him.
Victim response: She doesn’t like me. I will have to live with a F.
Empowered response: Josh emails the teacher, copying the dean of the university with details of the issue and the times he’s sought assistance. He asks for a meeting and to have the dean included in the meeting.

If Josh takes the victim role, he is teaching his math teacher to continue to ignore him. When he moves to a position of empowerment, she knows that she has to pay attention to him.

What have you taught people about how to treat you?

Use the examples in this worksheet to guide you through evaluating how your response has been teaching people to treat you.

Choice vs. Decision :: What's Your Vision For Your Life

There is a distinction between a choice and a decision.

A choice is limited only by your creativity. A decision is made based on the available options, nothing more.

When applied to our lives, we can say that we choose our life. What we have or don’t have is only limited by what we can dream up for our lives. We then use that vision as the guide for how we make daily decisions.

If you want happiness, then choose in every situation to see the positive and be happy.

If you want financial stability, then choose to a career path that will supply you with the money and learn how to invest and save to have that.

It sounds simple - and it really is that simple.

Yes, life will come at you hard, but you have the power to determine how life impacts you. You alone are in control of achieving the vision or what you choose for your life.

“I Choose” by India.Arie drives this point home. In the song, she makes a bold declaration that she is taking full control of her life. She’s even tellin’ her momma that!

Let’s follow her lead and boldly take control of our lives by choosing the life we want.

Use this Life Vision Worksheet to help you start planning.

Need support? Schedule a free 30-minute consultation with me.

Service, Rest, Discipline

If you don't have the Iylanla Awakenings app, what are you really doing? 

Just kidding, but I couldn't help myself. Seriously, the app is amazing. I use it some mornings to get focused and help me start my day. I try to listen to it completely without my mind wandering off. If it does, I refocus or listen to it until I can focus without thinking of something that is not related to the message.

I found a recent message is worth sharing. 

You can listen to the full message below, but I want to bring intentional attention to her message about discipline + worth was powerful. To paraphrase she says :: Get your mind, body and spirit in alignment that what you are working toward is worth it. It lead me to ask you :: What in your life are you working toward is worth it?

When you think through the answer, consider her other two principles and well ::

• Service :: This isn't service to others, but service to yourself. How is the thing that is worth it a service to you? If you can't determine how it is a service to you, what are you really doing it for?

• Rest :: Is what is worth it allowing you to get rest? When she speaks of this, it is not about sleep (though that is super important). Rest is about being awake, still and in the moment. Listen to the full message so Iyanla can tell you how rest supports you.

Opportunity is Wealth

Opportunities are wealth. Consider wealth in this case as more than just material or financial wealth, but wealth in health, relationships, etc. When you capitalize on opportunities that are presented to you have the ability to improve your quality of life and live out your true purpose. It is important to be mindful and present in each day and each moment so that you don't miss opportunities.

Use this worksheet below to determine if you are ready - mentally, emotionally, physically - for opportunities that may come or that you are actively seeking. Review this article on mindfulness vs. meditation. It will help you understand the difference between the two + provide resources to start you on your journey to be more mindful and present in each moment.

Opportunity is Wealth Worksheet